College Football Scouting Report from Headlines

As the regular high school football season draws to a close, the latest National Sportswriters Association has released its preliminary report on the leading prospects available to college recruiting representatives. In addition to a full scholarship award and tutorial assistance, it should be noted that all the below listed prospects have filed for “supplemental monetary aid” for campus expenses as well as “transportation assistance” for expedient mobility to and from classes and the practice field in the form of 2015 models of: Corvette, BMW 523, Cadillac STXCoup, and Ford Mustang GT, all with dark tinted glass.
This year’s stalwarts are:


6′ 3″, 220 lbs.  Running Back.  Set state scoring record out of Triton High School , Dunn , N.C.    Also led the state in burglaries, but has only 9 convictions.  He has been clocked at 4.2 seconds in the 40 yard dash with a 19″ TV under each arm.  Signed with Mississippi State .

6′ 6″, 215 lbs.  Wide Receiver.  Hottest prospect from Texas in the last ten years.  Currently holds world record for the most “you knows” during an interview (62 in one minute).  Wayfron can print his complete name.  Signed with Tennessee .

6′ 1″, 195 lbs.  Running Back.  From Tyler , Texas .  Has processed hair and imitates Billy Dee Williams very well.  Listed his church preference as “red brick”.  Signed with the University of Houston .

6′ 8″, 310 lbs.  Tackle.  From a 4th generation welfare family.  At 19 he’s the oldest of 21 children.  Mother claims Woodrow and child No. 9 have same father.  He has a manslaughter trial pending, but feels he will be found innocent because:  “The dude said sumpin’ bad ’bout my Momma”.  On his entrance form, he listed his IQ as 20/20. Signed with the University of Texas .

6′ 4″, 225 lbs.  Quarterback.  Born on an Amtrak train.  Birth certificate indicates he is 24 years old.  Thinks the “N” on Nebraska ‘s helmets stands for “Nowledge” but still meets this school’s stringent entrance requirements.  Signed with the University of Oregon .

6′ 10″, 228 lbs.  Wide Receiver.  Has a pending paternity suit and two rape trials, but hopes none of his other 9 victims will file charges.  Thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican Telephone Company.  Signed with University of Miami .

6′ 10″, 305 lbs.  Guard.  Played high school ball under the name Fro’ Leester Ja’ Charles Jones until he discovered religion.  Abdul thinks Sherlock Holmes is a housing project in Jacksonville , FL.    Signed with the University of Florida .

NOTE:  College track coaches intend to use several of the above signees in their track programs.  However, instead of using a starting pistol at track meets, the NCAA has now agreed to use a burglar alarm instead.

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